I am very open to talk about my childhood, albeit it’s not a pleasant one. I could write a Mother’s Day post praising my Mum for all the things in the world (and you must have read about a hundred of those by now) but this is not that post. Throughout my teens I find a lot of strength in sharing my past and acknowledging the fact that not having a happy childhood wasn’t my fault. But truth be told, there were times I blamed myself.
My parents was divorced when I was ten. That is to say my Mum endured physical violence and psychological abuse from her husband for ten years. I had to play the role of “Mum” to my sister who is two years younger. I would blame myself whenever something happens to her. For 29 years of my life, I can talk about all these with ease. Until recently.
I’m not sure if it’s because I’m done sharing or I’m ready to move on to talk about happier times. I struggled to really write this post. Because it would have been easy ten years back, but now? I think I’m ready to stop talking about bad things that had already happened.
Even when I say my father is a good-for-nothing, trust me there are things that he did that impacted me (in a good way). I mostly attribute my talents and passion for music (singing) and creative writing/art to my father. Both of my parents are lowly educated although my Mum is good in Chinese (Mandarin) and I got my strong language genes from her (I don’t really study for my language tests but I still did well; please pardon my boasting x.x). I don’t smoke and never will. My father is a smoker and I think I had enough of second hand smoke from him.
Ten years is a long time. Never mind the fact that my Mum told me he tried suffocating me with a pillow when I was crying as a baby. I stopped crying; he thought I was dead, lifted the pillow only to see my eyes staring back at him. If you’re wondering, yeah my Mum told me this and she has always been very honest about things whenever we (my sister and I) asked. This part about her, I like it a lot. I wanna hear the truth even if it stings. There are a lot of memories I have in my personal life that you’ll probably only see them in movies. It was that dramatic. You know I kinda wished it wasn’t really my life story but at 29 year old, I guess it’s really time to embrace them especially if I were to have a child of my own. :)
I never would have been able to really live normally while wrestling with the fact that I have a shitty childhood (did I mention I also had a stepmother who we knew was my father’s mistress when he was still married to my Mum?). To tell you the full story, I could publish a book.
A few years back, something happened in my life and I got a chance to see how strong my Mum really is. When she told me she has already forgive my father, I was set free. There is no reason for me (or my sister) to bear a grudge on my father because the one true victim has decided that it’s not bothering her anymore. Forgiveness is hard, really hard. But at the same time it’s very empowering. My Mum did it and she has been focusing on herself and her life ever since she left that marriage. The fact that she treat my husband like her own speaks volume about her. She don’t just worry about me but she worry about my husband being too tired from working too hard. Because she knows if my husband isn’t happy, I’m not happy. We have disagreements (even now, I don’t agree with everything she says) or the fact that she refused to learn English citing she’s too old for that (what?). She is so flawed (like me) and at the same time she teaches me the most important lessons in life that I can never learn it elsewhere.
I’m a lot like her, the emotional human part of me. But I have this no-empathy part in me too (yeah, I got it from my father). I wrestles with both sides everyday. And I keep thinking, the day that I achieve perfect balance is the day that I’ll become god-like (just kidding), I mean by then I must be in heaven (missions on Earth completed). Something like that. Until then, I will just have to be me (and it’s perfectly alright).
TL;DR To my perfectly flawed Mum—I am thankful to be your daughter; you gave me life and in my short span of time here, I’m gonna learn all it takes to be a human (I will keep learning). You gave me the ability to think, the free will that let me choose what I want (you’ve never force me, not that you can, LOL). I can talk to you like friends chatting in a cafe. You gave me Me, that is the most important thing that only you can do and I will always know that you’ve got my back (even if you are not rich financially). Thank you for doing all the things that you do and only you can do. You told me you feel peace now just taking a nap in the afternoon, you also told me that you feel that I’m very brave (with my choices in life). I think that’s the most beautiful thing you can say to me. I love you, Mum.
1. French Kitchen Marble Pastry Slab // 2. Artesia Rattan Serving Tray // 3. Moscow Mule Mug // 4. Brass Watering Can // 5. Walnut 8×10 Box Picture Frame // 6. Rustic Bird Cage Chalk Board // 7. Rugged Canvas Tote Bag // 8. Envelope Coin/Card Purse // 9. Winston Table Lamp
I tried to include items that are neutral with no age specific. Young and hip or graceful and elegant, all mums included. I might as well also mention that in Chinese culture, we don’t gift clocks or umbrellas. The words sound the same as parting/separation; which is bad.
All words by me, images from Pinterest and credited links. This is a non-sponsored post. Items are subject to availability by respective sellers. Actual price(s) might vary and excl. shipping charges (if applicable).